Gosh! It’s been a while! I am so sorry, I didn’t realise it had been this long. I shall get on with things without further ado.
To start us off, we have Kev with his explanation of tools. I have to admit to recognising a few of these!
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh s—!’
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use
SON-OF-A-B**** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage/shed while yelling ‘Son of a B****!’ at the top of your lungs, It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Not to be outdone, Jeff has sent in poetry!
Back in the days of tanners and bobs,
When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs.
When football team families wore hand me down shoes,
And T.V had only two channels to choose.
Back in the days of three penny bits,
when schools employed nurses to search for your nits.
When snowballs were harmless; ice slides were permitted
and all of your jumpers were warm and hand knitted.
Back in the days of hot ginger beers,
when children remained so for more than six years.
When children respected what older folks said,
and pot was a thing you kept under your bed.
Back in the days of Listen with Mother,
when neighbours were friendly and talked to each other.
When cars were so rare you could play in the street.
When Doctors made house calls and Police walked the beat.
Back in the days of Milligan’s Goons,
when butter was butter and songs all had tunes.
It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea,
and your annual break was a day by the sea.
Back in the days of Dixon’s Dock Green,
Crackerjack pens and Lyons ice cream.
When children could freely wear National Health glasses,
and teachers all stood at the FRONT of their classes.
Back in the days of rocking and reeling,
when mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.
When woodwork and pottery got taught in schools,
and everyone dreamed of a win on the pools.
Back in the days when I was a lad,
I can’t help but smile for the fun that I had.
Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob.
Back in the days of tanners and bobs.
Station Location Results!
Apparently, lots of people had a marvellous time. There was much laughter, in lockdown! Hurrah for KLARC!
Ron has sent through the following for you lovely people to allow you to work out how well you did. (and you all did better than me. I was unable to do it. I’m still sulking.)
If you click on the links, they come up. I couldn’t get a good enough resolution on a picture for it to be useful. Sorry.
I’m going to take this moment to say thank you to the lovely Ron for doing this Station Location, and also say that we have been contacted by someone from Skegness who said that she looked for a club that was “alive and doing things.” That’s us, because of how awesome you lot are.
Take care (and wash your hands!)
Slightly news-y to start with, but Hurrah for Lockdown Andy, who has passed his Foundation! M7ASQ, welcome.
Also welcome, (or welcome back!) Neil (G8PWQ) who approached us via the Facebook page to see where we all were, communicated with the Font Of All Knowledge, and listened in on the net on Sunday.
If you want a shoutout or are listening in to a net, do let us know. We haven’t heard from some people in a while, and we’ll be hunting them down as soon as it’s legal.
Back to the laughter then, and Jeff (G6YPJ) presents to us the laws by which he lives his life.
Jeff’s ‘Laws of Life’.
Jeff’s law of mechanical repair – after your hands become coated with dirt and grease, your nose will itch and you’ll have to pee.
Jeff’s law of gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt or screw, when dropped, will roll or bounce to the least accessible place in the Universe.
Jeff’s law of probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Jeff’s law of random numbers – If you key a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone; someone always answers.
Jeff’s variation law – If you change lanes (or queues), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are now in.
Jeff’s law of the bath – When you are fully immersed, the telephone or door bell will ring.
Jeff’s law of close encounters – The likelihood of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Jeff’s law of the result – When you try to prove to someone that something doesn’t work, IT WILL.
Jeff’s law of biomechanics – The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the limit of the reach.
Ah Jeff. Where would we be without you? Staring at an empty page that’s where! Thank you, as always.
Look out for news of Ron’s Great Escape, coming soon!
What? It’s been a month? Seriously people. Do something unserious!
We have a message from our regular contributor Jeff, G6YPJ
thought I should buy a new computer from Clive or Kev or Sarah or whoever ….
CLIVE: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
JEFF: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my shack and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
JEFF: No, the name’s Jeff.
CLIVE: Your computer?
JEFF: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
JEFF: I told you, my name’s Jeff.
CLIVE: What about Windows?
JEFF: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
CLIVE: Do you want a computer with Windows?
JEFF: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
JEFF: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.
CLIVE: Software for Windows?
JEFF: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
JEFF: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
CLIVE: I just did.
JEFF: You just did what?
CLIVE: Recommend something.
JEFF: You recommended something?
JEFF: For my office?
JEFF: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
JEFF: Yes, for my office!
CLIVE: I recommend Office with Windows..
JEFF: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
JEFF: What word?
CLIVE: Word in Office.
JEFF: The only word in office is office.
CLIVE: The Word in Office for Windows.
JEFF: Which word in office for windows?
CLIVE: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.
JEFF: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
JEFF: That’s right. What do you have?
JEFF: I need money to track my money?
CLIVE: It comes bundled with your computer.
JEFF: What’s bundled with my computer?
JEFF: Money comes with my computer?
CLIVE: Yes. No extra charge.
JEFF: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
CLIVE: One copy.
JEFF: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
CLIVE: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
JEFF: They can give you a license to copy money?
CLIVE: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
CLIVE: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
JEFF: How do I turn my computer off?
CLIVE: Click on ‘START’………….
He’s also sent a link to a very https://twitter.com/yvonneridley/status/1269899553345613824funny video
Today we have several people who wish to share the joy of lockdown laughter.
A noteable contribution comes from Charles (M7CEB)
We also have an offering from George’s wife, who sent Jack this photo to go in.
Debbie says “George is in his cowboy hat, taking in some lockdown sun!” (At the time of writing, we’re not sure if George knows about the photo, but Debbie does, so that’s ok with us!)
The last word today however, will be left to Jeff (G3YPJ)
We shouldn’t be telling Radio Ham jokes ……….. they are not being very well received . (I’ll get him his coat!)
That’s all for this week – and I didn’t mention Radcom once!
Our first entrant this week is Digital Mike, (G1SCT) who writes in to say
“Just to show this genius hasn’t been totally idle during lock down, I did put that aerial on that tower, connect it to that £30 transverter kit from the Ukraine and worked a few stations in a 4 metre contest last night. (see attached photo)”
He also included a link to the map to show how far he worked.
And all of that on only 10 watts PEP!
What a genius.
Our second entry this week comes from Kev, (M0KKM) who wanted to let us know the dog’s opinion of RadCom. Clearly, he loved it very much – or he was just making Kev a jigsaw!
Kev would also like us to know about the QSO parties that are happening at the moment, for which we are now into week 4.
Until the next time ladies and gentlemen…
So, time for a catch up on the lockdown laughter posts.
Our first contributor is Kev (M0KKM) who is so lovely, he’s sent us a picture of his halo…
(Of course, the discerning reader will see that this is pair of 2m HALO`s phased & stacked, which work really well for 2m ft8.)
Secondly, Robin (G4RB) has sent in a fascinating powerpoint. Click on the link and click open, and it will present itself on your computer in glorious technicolour.
Lastly, Mike G1SCT would like to assure us all that he is a genius. He can’t send any posts to prove this, his mere existence is enough.
Until the next time…
Our first piece of creative genius comes from Mike (M0XXM)
Only one QRP contact so far (M0XXR in the house from the garden).
We shall await updates, probably on the net tonight!
Also, Kev (M0KKM) has produced an antenna, which he claims works well enough to speak to M0XXM. Again, more updates to come later on the net.
In the spirit of this page, this is Dexter! He’s 10 weeks old, 10kg, and a bundle of love and entertainment! He’s play, play, play, play, until the batteries run out and he’s gone! He keeps Jack (2E0HSP) busy anyway!